Lorenzo Lamas leads a seal team to destroy a ship carrying illegal weapons. The weapons dealer and his crew try to escape to a nearby island only to discover that the island is overrun with…wait for it…velociraptors. Now for those of you already familiar with his body of work, I have but to invoke the name “Lorenzo Lamas” to precisely describe the level of excellence this movie promises to deliver. For those not familiar, you’re about to get a crash course in Lorenzo Lamas 101.
Lately, there’s been a recurring theme in my life I am bound to entitle “bad post-production CGI gunshot wounds.” It started with Katee Sackhoff’s The Last Sentinel, produced amid filming of Battlestar Galactica where, after every gunshot wound to the head, I was less inclined to remark “you shot Marvin the the face!!” and more inclined to wonder why Marvin’s head was packed with hot pink lipstick in the first place. This unfortunate trend continues now with Raptor Island.
Post-production would seem to wish that we believe these dinosaurs are surrounded with an invisible bubblegum force field which pops on impact, seemingly protecting them from gunfire as evidenced by their utter lack of reaction upon taking full clips to the neck and upturned ass all at point blank range. If this island was home to a handful of dinosaurs, I might be able to overlook certain details like the notorious absence of prey animals that would be necessary to sustain such large predators. We don’t have just a handful of dinosaurs, however. What we have is a hollowed out yet still active volcano which houses hundreds of raptors. And a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
When the volcano begins erupting, it becomes a race to reach the extraction point! …or not… With clouds of volcanic ash being belched up into the sky and the threat of magma boiling up from the earth and covering the entire island, dinosaurs hunting him, and a terrorist still on the loose, Lorenzo decides that it’s a great time to hole up in a wrecked aircraft and chat at which point they decide their best course of action is to return to the dinosaur spawning point and place some charges in hopes of wounding some of the dinosaurs so they’re too busy eating their own to go hunting only the charges blow a hole in the volcano that releases magma that starts flowing everywhere and the helicopter comes to pick up Lorenzo but misses him in the dark and Lorenzo, being a good SEAL doesn’t have any flares so he can’t signal the helicopter but the helicopter picks up his beacon and comes back to pick him up and the movie ends with the dinosaurs all swimming off the island because Raptor Island 2 is a really great idea.
I feel dirty.