Three Stories To Die For

PlayItGrand November 12, 2010 No Comments »

Andee Frizzell is full of stories from both on and off the set, and as we all now know, she loves to talk! For the Cabaret, Andee chose to tell her 3 absolute most outrageous dating stories, because she wanted to talk about something not show related, but everyone could relate to it. I know what you’re thinking and I thought the same thing, but believe me, it’s not like anything you could imagine and it’s so totally worth it!

By the way, Andee swore they are all true.

The first story was about a guy friend of Andee’s, a fellow actor in fact. He went on a date for the first time and they had dinner at an Indian restaurant. He wasn’t fond of Indian food, but decided that the girl was worth the sacrifice. After dinner the young woman invited him back to her place for some wine. This was in Toranto, and Andee says that the apartments there are very chic but very small, and to invite someone over is kind of a big thing. They sit down, start drinking the wine while talking, and then the Indian food starts to wreak havoc with the poor guy’s digestive system. He excuses himself to use the washroom. Andee tells the rest better than I can!

“He’s thinking, ‘What am I going to do? There’s going to be a very loud, thunderous noise, the door of the bathroom leads just off the living room. I’m going to improvise. I’m an actor. This is what I’m trained to do.’ So he looks over and – ladies, we all have these – there is a rod on the washroom that hangs towels. There are small towels, hand towels that nobody has ever touched. No hand has ever gone near these towels! But we have them, and we have them on the only rack that actually is in the bathroom. So all the other towels that you actually use go on all these other things. So he looks over and he sees that there is a towel. He takes one of her lovely embroidered hand towels and he rolls it into a tight . . . silencer.”

We all go, ‘OH NO!’ Andee says, “Oh no, you think this is the worst part of the story? Wait! With his underwear on, he wedges the ‘silencer’ next to the ‘gunhole’. He thinks, ‘I’m going to roll this thing up and stick it in this area and it’s going to be very very quiet. I’m listening to this story as he told it and I’m thinking, ‘This is bad!’ But I didn’t say that, so I let it happen! So he put it in the correct area for silencing, grabbed his knees, and  . . . . . if you have ever thought of being in this situation and how relieving it would be . . . ten times that. As he’s in this position, holding his knees, he catches the eyes of the lady on the couch, drinking the red wine. She had two doors to her bathroom. One that he closed, and one that led off of her bedroom and had a full length mirror!”

And then the question came out of my mouth, ‘Then what did you do? Because clearly she’s seen you!’

‘I reached over, nodded, and closed the bathroom door!’

‘Was there a second date?’ I asked.

‘No’.

I thought, ‘Eww, that’s kinda nasty! Here you are, you’ve met the man of your dreams, and  . . . what in the hell is he doing?!’ . . . Bad date #1!”

Are you on the floor yet? If you aren’t, you will be after story #2!

A girlfriend of Andee’s grew up in a very small town in the southern United States. “I didn’t ask where. Small town, Southern is pretty much anywhere from Chicago down. Well when you’re Canadian that’s what we think, right?” Her parents, oddly enough, were Grateful Dead followers, and Andee thought this was a story in itself. When she was 14 and in high school, she caught the eye of the 15 year old son of the most affluent family in the town. He invited her to “high tea” at his house. Her mom made a dress for her. She goes and is greeted by his parents. They sit down to eat and halfway through the meal, as Andee puts it, “Her granola kicks in. ‘Oh! Sorry, can I excuse myself? Can you tell me where the washroom is?’ Of course if any of you in the crowd are vegetarians you know that there’s about one second between notification and removal. So by the time they told her where the bathroom was she was clearly not listening. So there was something about stairs, something about the top of them, and something about the direction. She barrels up the stairs in her homemade dress, 14 years old, trying to impress the most affluent family in town. There’s the pressure. I’m building it up. Pressure pressure pressure! So, she gets to the top of the stairs, leaps to the first thing that looks like a bathroom, runs in, sits down, Wham! Lays it out.”

Andee then mimed her friend turning to flush and saying to herself, ”Why is there no water in here?’ No water no water, push push push, nope no water. Because it was not a toilet. It was a bidet! [I fully admit I had to look this up!]  She didn’t know that, she didn’t even tell the story that way. She just went, ‘There was no damn water! I was flushing, flushing, no water!’ So she says, ‘What am I going to do? I know. I’m going to grab a whole bunch of toilet paper.'” We groaned until Andee said to us, “Come on now, we know what happened! There was a scoop, and there was a chuck. Out the window!”

Now it gets better. So 14 years old, you’re panicked, this is your whole hish school career from here on in, this is what you’ll forever be known for. This will be in your yearbooks! There’s a floating turd. No not even floating, there’s a stuck gurd and you’ve got to get it out of here. She made the best choice available to her. Just think about that. The best choice was to wrap wrap wrap and chuck. She washes up, cleary thinks the evidence is gone, starts traipsing down the grand staircase to see that the entire family is looking up. Because they are sitting in an atrium. Located conveniently underneath the washroom. Staring at a piece of turd that is slowly rolling it’s way to freedom.

“So really the story is humorous but what comes to my mind is, ‘Then what did you do?!’ That’s all I want to know! What happened next? She’s like, ‘What do you mean? I asked for a ride home! I said I wasn’t feeling well and I want for a ride home.’ That’s the second story.”

Are you still breathing? Most of Andee’s audience that day wasn’t! If you aren’t, make sure you call 9-1-1, ok?

Andee’s third story was a personal one. “It’s kind of an admission. I am in the confessional. You guys are hearing what I did. During the winter Olympics my girlfriend and I decided we were going to go to Whister Canada. We call it the +5 zone. There are so many guys in that area that as a woman you get to add 5 to your grade. So if you’re a 6 and a 5 you are an 11 and a 10. There are so few ladies there! It you’re a 10 you are a 15! It’s a sure thing! A great idea! It’s a very small village. So there’s three, maybe four places to go.

“I’m one of those people who just doesn’t like to let the party die. Wasn’t it George Bush that said, ‘Don’t leave anybody behind’? We’ll when I’m drunk, we all go! I’m like, ‘Let’s not leave anybody behind! Nobody’s sober! Come on, let’s go!’ So we end up at this place called Buffalo Bill’s, so right there you already know it’s a bad story! We walk in and I’m like, ‘Oh my God, this is some kind of tree planting experiment!’  There was not a piece of wood anywhere in here, it was full of ladies! There was no guys in there anywhere! There was no wood anywhere in the whole place. I’m like, ‘Ah what is this?’ Then there was this huge sign that said, ‘Welcome to Buffalo Bill’s, the biggest stagged place in all of North America.’ and I was like, ‘What in the . . .  what are we doing in this place?!’ So we decided to make the best of the worst situation, ‘There’s no guys here, we’ll just get our groove on. Let’s start dancing.’ 

So as we start moving around the dance floor I see that they have bankquettes. They looked completely empty and then I saw this young lady. She seemed very nice, very into the music, with a smile on her face. This is where I’m going to admit to you, this is what I did. This is the moment that I chose to save this lady from her loneliness. I notice that around the table there were a whole bunch of drinks, so clearly she had friends.  But these were bad friends. They had left her there all by herself. As I was going by with my girlfriend I thought, I’m just going to reach into this bankquettes and I’m going to grab this lovely lady who clearly looks like she really wants to have a good time, and I’m going to pull her out onto the dance floor. And then she’s going to dance with me and my friends and we’re going to have a good time.”

I don’t know exactly what happened because when I reached into the bankquettes and I pulled the lovely lady out and she smashed down onto the floor, I realized she only had one leg. No I’m not joking. She had one leg. She was there because she only had one leg, ok? I pulled this one legged lady out of her cocoon of safety and smashed her on the floor! There’s nothing that smacks the drunk and happy right off ya than throwing somebody with one leg onto the dance floor. Stone cold sober. So my drunken girlfriend looks down and we’re all of a sudden slapped sober, ‘Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God!’ We pick up this lovely lady; she had a wonderful sense of humor. She decided to wedge herself between a couple of us and dance. Very brave lady, who is to this day a very good friend of mine, but she always says, ‘Remember that day?’ ‘Yes, I clearly remember that day.’

So that’s my admittance to you that yes, I pull people out of a crowd and make them do funny and weird things. Even if I haven’t counted the appendages on them. And it really was something that I should have thought about because I did work at Earl’s when I was like 17 as a hostess. A lady and her daughter came in and one of the things – this was back, pre-SARS, when you could still reach out and touch people. Before, ‘Come on in, spend your money but don’t touch me!’ We used to shake hands and greet people into the restaurant. So this lady and her daughter came in and of course I sparked her up, [Andee acted out how she would dramatically put out her hand] ‘How are ya doing?’ And just as I throw my hand out there I realize that the daughter leans forward and she only had one arm! We’ll I’m not one to be shaken off by that so I just reach out and give her a Howdy Dodee. I shook the young ladies arm, or lack of! So we had a new memo sent out to the staff that says, pre reaching out to people, count all their digits. So you’d think that at 17 I should have learned that I should do a, ‘1 2 3 4 Hey wanna dance? 1 2, ops I’ve got to go!’ But I didn’t! Maybe that’s why I’m still single, still dating!

“Speaking of dating, there’s this super smoking hot guy back there! Honestly, I haven’t seen him before. He’s got a little bit of an accent, and I think I’m actually going to try my game. He’s supposed to be really interesting – Anyway, I’m wedged between talented and super talented here, and this was the segway between those. I hope you enjoyed the last 30 minutes and your butt didn’t fall asleep, and if it did I know a guy with great silencers. Thank for letting me ramble and most importantly laughing at my rambling! I think we’re going to call out this guy. He’s a singer. An opera singer?”

We hear someone backstage say, “Yes.”

“How many songs are you going to sing for us?”

An Italian accent answers, “I don’t know.”

“Sexy right? Accent, right? So I guess that depends on the crowd. What would the crowd have to do to encourage more songs from you?”

We didn’t have to be told! We started cheering, whooping, and applauding!

Thank you Andee! Come back to Chicago and see us again some time!

Look out ladies! Husbands, hold on to your wives! Here comes Alphonso!

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