Italian Singing and Ladies Swooning

PlayItGrand November 30, 2010 No Comments »

There’s something about Italian singing that gets to us women. Throw in a lot of laughs and more than a hint of self confidence and there could be trouble. Well, that’s just what we got at the Cabaret! Scream your hearts out ladies, it’s Alphonso!

Alphonso was introduced by a video in which Alphonso reads and answers a letter from a gentleman who describes Alphonso’s talents with women in great detail. After going on at some length, the writer asks if there is any thing he can do to gain an ounce of Alphonso’s power. Alphonso answers with one word: “No.”

And then Alphonso took the stage. With a strong Italian accent and slightly broken English he said, “It is my pleasure to greet the science fiction fans of my cousin Roberto, the bald man who jumps around. He has told me a great deal about you, and what an extraordinary pleasure it must be for you to finally meet me. I am the most sexually desirable man in the world. I have made love to 17,358 women . . . and 2 men, that was a mistake! I had one too many grappas that night. You don’t want to hear about that. I offered Andee the opportunity to be 17,359, but she had to come on stage and then she told the story that I told her about the night I had the little towel . . . . “

Alphonso decided to tell us a joke. “There’s a nun who goes to confession in Saint Peter’s, and she’s very upset. She goes into the confessional and says, ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned, I’m so upset!’ The priest says, ‘Please calm down.’ ‘No Father, I’m so upset! My sin-‘ ‘Sister please, whatever you have done, God understands. I’m sure you’re sin cannot be as bad as you think it is.’ She says, ‘Father, I don’t wear underwear. I have nothing on under here right now.’ He says, ‘Sister this is not such a terrible sin. For your penance do three Hail Mary’s, and three Our Father’s, and three cartwheels on the way to the alter.'”

Then Alphonso turned and saw a pair of pants hainging on the podium on the stage – the pants that Dan Shea brought out to prove that he owned more than just shorts! Was it planted or did Dan really just forget them? Who knows, but Alphonso’s reaction was priceless! “Who left their pants here? My God! I often leave my pants behind when I have an encounter with a woman and suddenly her husband comes home. I will tell you more of this later. First I would like to sing a song for all the women in the audience.” 

Listen to this, imagine it being sung by Alphonso in his Italian accent, and try not to pass out.

In a speaking interval Alphonso said, “I am the man that everyone wants, and that every man wants to be like. This evening I have made 12 copies of my room key, and will distribute them randomly to 12 lucky women. I have a sign up sheet for ten minute intervals in my room. If we run out of time, I’m sorry, but we can always reuse the keys if we have extra time.”

After our applause died down, Alphonso said, ” I am not the singer that my cousin Roberto is. He has practiced more, and because he has such limited physical attractiveness it is very important for him to develop his other skills. I on the other hand need no other skills beyond the skill of love, of which I am a master.”

Alphonso then graciously offered to take questions from the audience, but said, “Perhaps I will answer it. If I don’t want to answer it . . . I will not.” We took this as a challenge to see how awkward of a question we could give Alphonso before he refused to answer! The results were hilarious! Picture the most arrogant self centered man you know being completely flustered. Priceless!

A gentleman who I know from previous conventions and who is for the most part bald stands up and says, “Your  cousin is without hair. Can you imagine what it would be like to make love like he does?” Alphonso answered, “My cousin is without hair, as you are sir, sadly you have noticed. My cousin also has hair like yours, which is to say none. And how sad it must be to make love to a man with no hair, is what you are saying? I could not agree with you more. But you know, my body is not completely covered with hair, it’s most just my head. But I think that some women actually like bald men. I don’t know why. These are mostly women who have not made love to me. It is very difficult to go back once you have had your fingers embedded in my hair, holding on for dear life, I believe it is quite difficult to go back to someone like you because you know, there’s nothing to grab on to. You understand, this is not personal, sir. I do not find you unattractive. Perhaps if I had five grappas tonight it would be you!”

Alphonso requests that a woman ask the next question, and who stands up? The previous gentleman’s wife! Alphonso said, “Oh you, you are next to the man with no hair. Are you perhaps married to the man with no hair?” She doesn’t really answer, but most of us regular con goers know! Alphonso says, “You seem to have forgotten, or perhaps you don’t want to admit it. He seems very nice. You want to come up and touch my hair? Please, come on stage.” Alphonso asks her if she is married to the man with no hair, and she admits that she is. Alphonso says, “What is that like?” She answers, “It’s fantastic!” As we die laughing, Alphonso’s face sags with disappointment. He points in the direction of her seat and says, “Go sit down.”

Clearly affronted and determined to reestablish his credibility as God’s gift to women, he says, “I want a women up here who recognizes in my face and in my hair something special that she wants to make love to right now in front of everybody.” Guess who walks up? Alphonso says, “I recognize you, you are Linda, my cousin’s wife!” She immediately grabs Alphonso around the waist and starts playing with his hair! For a second Alphonso was so taken aback he almost slipped and forgot what to say! “This is my . . . This is my cousin Roberto’s wife, Linda. Say hello, Linda.” Ignoring us, she says hello suggestively into the mic! As she continues to grab and play with his hair, Alphonso squeaks, “Linda! If I am not mistaken your husband is in the hotel!” She says innocently, “Where?” She continues what she was doing and Alphonso says, “You do not seem to care!”

“I thought you said ‘hair’.”

“Linda and I have only just met, we have not had an intimate moment together yet, have we?”

With obvious subtext, she answers, “No”. Alphonso could barely hold himself together, it was so funny! Then to much laughter and applause Linda left the stage.

Alphonso says, “Roberto and Linda have been married 26 years. What this beautiful woman sees in him I have no idea. Had I come to America before then I’m sure that Linda and I would have spent many hours together.” Seeing Linda move farther away from the stage he says, “Where are you going? It’s ok, she will come back and sing for karaoke, I will make her! Or I will have Roberto make her!

“I would like to sing a new song. It is a letter for every woman in the audience tonight, inviting you. I invite every women in the audience to listen to this offer.”

Reading his letter to some simple music that wasn’t recognizable right away,  Alphonso says,

You do not have to spend the rest of your life alone.
You can learn the magi pf making love to the most desirable man in the world.
Look at the man next to you, if there is a man next to you.
Look at him carefully.
And say the following word after me:

There’s a somebody you’re hoping to see.
Manly and free.
Hung like a tree.
You’ll find that someone . . . . is me.

I’m a sexy man who’s awesomely good,
You really should
Check out the good.
You’re special someone . . . . is me.

You my cousin Roberto,
He can only flirt so
Depressingly married is he.

I’m available and hotter than hell.
How can you tell?
Check out my smell!
My musk will suffocate you.

Please, let me pass my smell over you.

Alphonso admitted to having some trouble following the karaoke music, saying, “I remind you that I am not a singer like my cousin Roberto. It was something I wanted to try. That apparently is a Barbra Streisand arrangement of that song, I do not know it, now I have proven I do not know it. The important thing is that I tried because the message to every women out there is, wise up. Open your eyes. See what you want, and come get it. Between midnight and 2:00. I have the 12 room keys, we will recycle the keys. I am very green. every moment of ecstasy that I build in a woman is with 100% recycled wood.”

Alphonso asked if anyone else wanted to ask him a question, saying, “I do not appear in America on stage like this, this is very rare. All of my sexual advice that you see, I do on the Internet for two reasons. First of all I do not have to be in the room with someone who may have a disease. Secondly, this way if I say too  much or too little, I can redo it. Here if I saw something like, ‘Oh have a story about someone who maybe make a poop and throw it on an atrium . . ‘ that way I do not have to see that on YouTube. You understand. For Andee? Hmmm.”

A gentleman asks Alphonso what kind of aphrodisiac works best for him. “I think air. When I breathe I want to have sex. Also water. When I drink water I want to have sex. When I wake up I want to have sex. So there are many aphrodisiacs that work for me. The question is what kind of aphrodesiac work for you? I recommend – is that your wife next to you? She’s very beautiful. I think you don’t need an aphrodisiac. She’s a very beautiful women. In fact, [to the man’s wife] are you busy later? It’s nothing personal, there’s something she can learn, she can teach you, it could be a growing experience for you both. We’ll talk later, eh?”

Two very brave young people decide to say to Alphonso, “We love each other. How can we add spark to our relationship. Alphonso repeats the question for us and then takes a closer look at the questioners. “You are both women! . . . Why don’t you both try me? In the movie I said even the most devout lesbian will recant her ways, once you make love to me! This was a fact! It’s a scientific fact! I have nothing against lesbians. In fact I like to be against lesbians, and using my . . . best feature . . . I will convince you that there is something missing between you and her. You should believe! I think this is my best advice to all of you on how to put spark in your relationship. You are not the first. I once went to a lesbian retreat with 600 lesbians, and it was a very fine weekend. We will talk later. You can be 2:40 am. Room 719.”

Alphonso wanted to sing another song for us, and this one was a parody of some of his cousin’s work! “When Roberto was on StarTrek, there were three beautiful actresses. Kate Mulgrew, Rozann Dawson, and of course the very lovely Jeri Ryan. I never come visit America, so sadly these three women never had the opportunity to make love to Alphonso. This is a very great disappointment in their lives, I am sure. So tonight to make up for this, I would like three women in the audience to come up and I will sing to them a song that my cousin Roberto sings, a tribute to the women on StarTrek.” Alphonso then took some time painstakingly casting Captain Janeway, B’Elanna Torres, and Seven of Nine, names that he stumbled across because he claims not to have watched Voyager! Alphonso also had to check some ages. “So I will not get arrested! You have different rules than we have in Italy!” Each guest has fun playing up to the whole He’s-the-most-desirable-man-in-the-world bit!

Sadly I couldn’t find a karaoke version of the song, so listen to Tom Jones and put Alphonso’s lyrics to his song! I wrote them as I heard them and except for the words I underlined I’m certain I had it right!

What’s new pussycat? Whoa whoa whoa!
What’s new pussycat? Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Pussycat pussycat,
You’re called Seven
And I’m in heaven
When you’re around!
Please let me check on your implants and optic node!
Pussycat pussycat I love you!
Yes I Do!
You and your implants and nodes.

What’s new pussycat? Whoa whoa whoa!
What’s new pussycat? Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Pussycat pussycat,
You’re commanding
And so demanding
With your four pips!
Beat back that boy cat then I’ll rub your low back!
Pussycat pussycat I love you!
Yes I Do!
You and your pussycat pips.

What’s new pussycat? Whoa whoa whoa!
What’s new pussycat? Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Pussycat pussycat,
You’re half Klingon
I love that thing on
Your forehead dear!
So come and beat me and scratch me and cling on me!
Pussycat pussycat I love you!
Yes I Do!
You and your militant ways.
You and your pussycat pips.
You and your implants and nodes.

Assigning times to them as he thanked them, Alphonso helped his three volunteers off of the stage. He looked at us and said, “If I do not get arrested here in America, I’ll return quickly on Wednesday.

“I think perhaps because I am Italian – although in that song I loose my accent, you notice? When I sing I do not sing like Alphonso. I don’t know.

“Roberto has a beautiful wife, but no other noogie. I, on the other hand, have to get up to my room very soon. Roberto will succeed me on stage and in a few minutes he will run the karaoke. While I am upstairs perfuming my body and preparing for the evening. But I’d like to sing one more song. It is in Italian. It is one you have heard Roberto sing. Hopefully he does not sing it too much better than me. I sing this, I kiss you all, and then I leave the stage.”

Luciano Pavarotti – La Donna E’ Mobile
Found at abmp3 search engine

After singing the first phrase in Italian, Alphonso suddenly throws this in! Considering I had no warning, I think I did a good job getting it down!

Tuvok I understand,
You are a Vulcan man.
You have just gone without
For seven years about.
Kes please find a way
To load the hypospry.
I will give you the sign,
Just aim for his behind.
Hormones are raging,
Synapses blazing,
It’s all so veeeeeeeeeery illogical!

Quickly before leaving, Alphonso said, “Roberto’s wife Linda is over there with some of his CDs. Part of the money goes to the Pediatric Aids Foundation, part of the money goes to buy shoes for Linda. So if you buy some CDs you do a nice thing for charity and a nice thing for Linda. Roberto will be back later, I’ll see all of you at the time we have contracted in a couple of hours! Chao chao!”

All the women in the audience who were still conscious screamed and applauded as Alphonso left the stage.

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